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Lunacy Jokes

Farmer and his wife go to town. She to the mercantile. Him to the blacksmith.
Blacksmith had just pulled a shoe out of the forge, and it had just come back to color.
Farmer looking at this and that, picked up the horseshoe, which he put back down real fast.
Blacksmith thought it was funny said, "Hot huh?".
Farmer says, "Just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe." Doc
 
13770386_1732330783651010_7436185857344825890_n.jpg
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with little Johnny, one

of her more precocious students.



The teacher asked, 'Johnny, what exactly is your problem?'


Johnny answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd

grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade

too!'


Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.


While little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the

situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give

Johnny a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back

to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.


Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

happily agreed to take the test.



Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Johnny: '9'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Johnny: '36'



And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd

grader should know.


The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y'know I reckon Johnny

can go to the 3rd grade'




But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the

principal, 'Not so fast - let me ask him a few questions'


The principal and Johnny both agree.


Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Johnny, after a moment: 'Legs'



Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Johnny replied: 'Pockets' to the principal's great relief



Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Johnny: 'Pants'



By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'


Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene,

Johnny replied, 'Bubble gum'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a

dog does on three legs?'

Johnny: 'Shake hands'


The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last

question.



Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a

great deal of heat and excitement?'

Johnny: 'Firetruck.'


The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,




" Put little Johnny in 5th-Grade: I got the last seven questions wrong

myself !..."
 
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
 
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.


But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.


With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her
for what was most certainly to follow.


"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.


"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued
for days.


He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"


And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"


One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!


As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill
realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd
really been doing on all his past outings.


He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former
Secretary of State.


As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.


Sure enough, there was the hooker!


Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.


Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for five bucks!?"
 
Reflections said:
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.


But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.


With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her
for what was most certainly to follow.


"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.


"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued
for days.


He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"


And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"


One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!


As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill
realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd
really been doing on all his past outings.


He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former
Secretary of State.


As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.


Sure enough, there was the hooker!


Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.


Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for five bucks!?"
Click to expand...
That made me laugh!
Check out this video? (the part about Snoop DOGG is so funny)!
 
The surgery went well. My knee x-ray highlighted the problem right away.

One knee didn't have enough cartilage and had to be replaced. Mine must have been a very unusual case because every nurse at the hospital had to come take a look at the x-rays. They started bringing me extra trays of food, milk-shakes, and boxes of chocolates... they even left their phone numbers, so I called them back to thank them.
They were all so nice. They wanted to help me at home with my recovery.
One even said she'd move in until I could get back on my feet. I'm a lucky man.
The X-ray (below):








SQUDXNH.jpg
 
Some North Dakota bungee jumpers keep hearing about a bridge down in Mexico that all you have to do is drive on to the middle and tie your bungee cord on the rail and you have a 100 foot jump.

They saved their money, and one day they drove down there. They got all connected up, and the first guy jumped. When he came bouncing back up he was all beat to shit. They grabbed him and pulled him on the bridge.

“What the hell happened?” One said.

He screamed “I don’t know, What’s a piñata?”
 
A Canadian who had never been to Mexico, nor ever eaten Mexican food decided to vacation in Mexico City.

He traveled to a small village in the foot hills. First night he decided to have a nice dinner, so he went into a restaurant and sat down.

Not knowing what to order, he looked around at what other people were eating. The fella next to him had this huge plate of food that looked delicious.

The waiter came and asked if he could help him.

“I’ll have what he’s having,” he said.

“Oh, Senior, that is a special dish, we have a daily bull fight, and that is the bull’s testicles. We only have one order a day. I can save you tomorrows order.”

“Great I’ll be back then,” he says.

Next day he is back, looking forward to the meal.

Waiter sets the plate in front of him.

He notices the dish is much smaller, and he asks why.

The waiter looks him in the eye, and says “Senior, sometimes the bull wins.”
 
The Women’s Affair

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

Boy And The Man

The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”

Man ~ “That’s nice.”

Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”

Man ~ “No, thanks.”

Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”

Man ~ “OK, how much?”

Boy ~ “$250?

The Next Time

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”

Man ~ “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy ~ “$750?

Man ~ “Fine.”

The Father

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ~ “$1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

The Confession

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
 
A young priest who had lead a sheltered life was assigned a first church in the ghetto.
First night taking confession, he waits for his first confessee in the pulpit.
This drunk staggers in stumbling around.
The priest thinks this poor soul really has a story to tell.
Drunk wanders over, and gets in his side of the confessional.
The priest zips down and gets in his side, slides open the shutter and "Says can I help you my son?"
Drunk says, "Yeah, you got any shit paper on your side?"
 
In the spring, a lot of hunters around here go out in the woods and plant rye grass to get the deer to hang out next deer season. Well, these two guys were out walking the deer trails sprinkling rye grass seeds. They came upon a small hole in the ground. You couldn't see the bottom, so they threw a cinder block down it, but couldn't hear it hit bottom. They stand there looking in the hole, and all of a sudden a goat comes running out of the woods and jumps in the hole.
This farmer comes along calling "Queenie". "Have you guys seen my goat?"
They tell him about the goat jumping down the hole. He says
"That's impossible, I had him tied to a cinder block."
 
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