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Lunacy When Michael Met Sierra
- Thread starter EveryDayAmnesiac
- Start date
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
So Sierra has a temper. A fucking temper. A fucking scary ass violent as fuck murderous temper. She has a fucking temper.
I've seen it in small doses.
I'm too lazy to look up what volume I'm on.
Sierra and I were in the psych ward. Whatever volume that is. Like 6? 7?
Okay. Back to the psych ward. That's what everyone wants to hear about anyway.
She spends about 15 minutes putting her room in order. As I've said my room was right across from hers.
I didn't need to go to my room, but I wanted an excuse to get a few more looks at her.
In case I haven't made this clear, Sierra IS CRAZY HOT and everyone looks at her - girls, dudes, everyone. They either want to be her or want to be with her.
I'm pretty much the luckiest dude alive.
So I had made friends with these women who were NOT involuntaries. They were there of their own accord and considered their stay at the psych ward a "vacation."
Yeah. I don't really get that either, but I guess it's quiet and calm and no abusive husbands around. Lots of jigsaw puzzles and coloring books.
So after she got her room done, she came out and immediately tracked me down. I was talking to these two women on "vacation" because they were cool as shit and I was trying to stay away from Exorcist woman.
Holy fucking hell. I'll talk about her in another post. She was literally everything you think of what a religulously crazy person would be like,
"I DON'T THINK A DAMN ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY OR WHAT YOU THINK I KNOW SATAN IS HERE AND HE'S IN MY ROOM AND I'M SENDING HIM TO YOU AND YOU BETTER PUT SALT ON YOUR FLOORS BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO EAT YOUR SOULS AND I'M GOING TO FEED ON THE LEFTOVERS AND IF YOU THINK I'M MAKING IT UP JUST COME ON OVER AND WATCH!"
I had nightmares about this woman. You could hear her all over the clinic.
So this woman decides to steal Sierra's apple juice one morning. Not a good idea.
Sierra went apeshit and attacked the shit out of her. It was not a "girl fight." It was violent as fuck. I broke it up as best I could but it took three nurses beyond me to stop it. This shit was out of control. It wasn't just hair pulling and yelling ... This was a brawl.
You do NOT steal someone's juice in the psych ward. Or in jail. Unless you want to die.
Anyway. If you want to hear more about Sierra, just say so.
I've seen it in small doses.
I'm too lazy to look up what volume I'm on.
Sierra and I were in the psych ward. Whatever volume that is. Like 6? 7?
Okay. Back to the psych ward. That's what everyone wants to hear about anyway.
She spends about 15 minutes putting her room in order. As I've said my room was right across from hers.
I didn't need to go to my room, but I wanted an excuse to get a few more looks at her.
In case I haven't made this clear, Sierra IS CRAZY HOT and everyone looks at her - girls, dudes, everyone. They either want to be her or want to be with her.
I'm pretty much the luckiest dude alive.
So I had made friends with these women who were NOT involuntaries. They were there of their own accord and considered their stay at the psych ward a "vacation."
Yeah. I don't really get that either, but I guess it's quiet and calm and no abusive husbands around. Lots of jigsaw puzzles and coloring books.
So after she got her room done, she came out and immediately tracked me down. I was talking to these two women on "vacation" because they were cool as shit and I was trying to stay away from Exorcist woman.
Holy fucking hell. I'll talk about her in another post. She was literally everything you think of what a religulously crazy person would be like,
"I DON'T THINK A DAMN ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY OR WHAT YOU THINK I KNOW SATAN IS HERE AND HE'S IN MY ROOM AND I'M SENDING HIM TO YOU AND YOU BETTER PUT SALT ON YOUR FLOORS BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO EAT YOUR SOULS AND I'M GOING TO FEED ON THE LEFTOVERS AND IF YOU THINK I'M MAKING IT UP JUST COME ON OVER AND WATCH!"
I had nightmares about this woman. You could hear her all over the clinic.
So this woman decides to steal Sierra's apple juice one morning. Not a good idea.
Sierra went apeshit and attacked the shit out of her. It was not a "girl fight." It was violent as fuck. I broke it up as best I could but it took three nurses beyond me to stop it. This shit was out of control. It wasn't just hair pulling and yelling ... This was a brawl.
You do NOT steal someone's juice in the psych ward. Or in jail. Unless you want to die.
Anyway. If you want to hear more about Sierra, just say so.
I just figured we had a difference of opinion, nothing more and nothing less... I have nothing against you and happy to see you didnt leave the forum! I would have felt pretty shitty if you left on account of a difference in opinion between the two of us!
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
Jumping ahead a bit to something that happened the other day because it pissed me off and it made Sierra cry.
When we first started talking on the phone after the hospital, I was thinking she was about 24, maybe 25. She thought I was 31 or maybe 32.
The more we talked, the clearer it became that she was younger than that and I was older.
During about week 2 of our talks, I was trying to get the information out of her without being obvious.
"Dude, if you want to know my age just ask already."
"Okay. How old are you?"
"Michael, never ask a girl her age."
"You just told me to!"
"LOL. How old do you think I am?"
"I would guess 20. Maybe 21."
"Good boy. I'm 20 but my birthday is coming up soon - hint."
"Fucking hell. Do you know how creepy that makes me?"
"Why? I'm guessing you're 39 or 40."
I was 40 at that point. And yeah, I was definitely uncomfortable with how people would view me talking dating each other with a girl 20 years younger. But she's made it clear that she doesn't care and that I'm not to bring the topic up anymore and how she could tell after our first phone conversation that I was older than she initially thought how she's had a crush on me since the hospital when I was watching her food and liquid intake because she has diabetes and she doesn't take it seriously enough.
I think the reason it works is because what we want and need out of a romantic relationship lines up perfectly even if it is a bit old fashion.
So I do get some judgmental looks from some people now and again when we go out - although they usually change their tune when they see how cute we are together. The looks usually aren't from men - they see me and they're thinking that lucky bastard. It's usually women in their 30s who think I'm taking advantage of her and they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Sierra put the whole thing in motioni!
And yeah, she's got "daddy issues" which we've discussed at great length and I've got issues with needing to recover my lost youth after my best friend died in high school. We get it.
So we're at the gas station, and this girl who works there is a BITCH. Sorry to drop the b-word but Sierra calls her that all the time so I feel it appropriate.
We usually try to avoid her because she gives the most judgmental looks of all. But we end up in her line and her attitude made it quite clear that she thinks I'm some kind of predator and that Sierra is a slut letting some old man take advantage. As if it's any of her fucking business!
So Sierra was crying in the car immediately afterward and it got really bad - the shaking kind of weeping. She was upset the rest of the day and begging me not to care what that stupid mean girl was getting at.
I'm not the sort of guy to complain to a manager about rude service, and I didn't, but if that girl talks to my girlfriend like that again, she's going to have a world of problems. You do not fucking talk to her like that.
I just can't believe that other people judge two adults who are in a loving and caring and sharing and devoted relationship. Mind your own fucking business, you know? Be happy that two lost souls found each other.
When we first started talking on the phone after the hospital, I was thinking she was about 24, maybe 25. She thought I was 31 or maybe 32.
The more we talked, the clearer it became that she was younger than that and I was older.
During about week 2 of our talks, I was trying to get the information out of her without being obvious.
"Dude, if you want to know my age just ask already."
"Okay. How old are you?"
"Michael, never ask a girl her age."
"You just told me to!"
"LOL. How old do you think I am?"
"I would guess 20. Maybe 21."
"Good boy. I'm 20 but my birthday is coming up soon - hint."
"Fucking hell. Do you know how creepy that makes me?"
"Why? I'm guessing you're 39 or 40."
I was 40 at that point. And yeah, I was definitely uncomfortable with how people would view me talking dating each other with a girl 20 years younger. But she's made it clear that she doesn't care and that I'm not to bring the topic up anymore and how she could tell after our first phone conversation that I was older than she initially thought how she's had a crush on me since the hospital when I was watching her food and liquid intake because she has diabetes and she doesn't take it seriously enough.
I think the reason it works is because what we want and need out of a romantic relationship lines up perfectly even if it is a bit old fashion.
So I do get some judgmental looks from some people now and again when we go out - although they usually change their tune when they see how cute we are together. The looks usually aren't from men - they see me and they're thinking that lucky bastard. It's usually women in their 30s who think I'm taking advantage of her and they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Sierra put the whole thing in motioni!
And yeah, she's got "daddy issues" which we've discussed at great length and I've got issues with needing to recover my lost youth after my best friend died in high school. We get it.
So we're at the gas station, and this girl who works there is a BITCH. Sorry to drop the b-word but Sierra calls her that all the time so I feel it appropriate.
We usually try to avoid her because she gives the most judgmental looks of all. But we end up in her line and her attitude made it quite clear that she thinks I'm some kind of predator and that Sierra is a slut letting some old man take advantage. As if it's any of her fucking business!
So Sierra was crying in the car immediately afterward and it got really bad - the shaking kind of weeping. She was upset the rest of the day and begging me not to care what that stupid mean girl was getting at.
I'm not the sort of guy to complain to a manager about rude service, and I didn't, but if that girl talks to my girlfriend like that again, she's going to have a world of problems. You do not fucking talk to her like that.
I just can't believe that other people judge two adults who are in a loving and caring and sharing and devoted relationship. Mind your own fucking business, you know? Be happy that two lost souls found each other.
Tincandtoke
Well-Known Member
Judging any relationship in the tinder/grinder era is pretty laughable
There are no more traditional relationships
People figured out you do not have to be with someone you hate
That freedom allows for more normal relationships
.........you're still a perv though (seriously kidding)
Just jealous because most 20 year old girls are trying to run me down while texting
F*cking parking lots are dangerous!
You are fine
If Mike Douglas can marry Catherine Zeta-Jones........
Protein shakes and cardio dude, don't neglect the potassium
Lots of stretching, I go old school with Bill "superfoot" Wallace if you have not stretched in a while
Omit the neck stretching and use gentle massage for that area
She's gonna put your ass on the canvas, utilize the entire count before getting up (boxing reference)
And for f*cks sake keep your hands up and close to the body
If you're lucky you make it to the third round, in spirit
This is Jungle Juice diamonds and coffee speaking
CarolKing
Always in search of the perfect vaporizer
Age is just a number as long as she’s of legal age. Maturity comes with experience but some people never seem to grow up. You are unique individuals with a lot of gifts and adventures to explore. If you make each other happy that is what counts. If you are together in 10 years she will be 30 and you will be 50. So what. People are too judgmental.
Life is too short.
Life is too short.
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
So I'm staring at Sierra. Today. Aand I'm thinking.
How the fuck did any of this happen?
I'm not her type. She likes guys who are dressed up all nice, and clean shaven, and tall and thin, and confident, and Mr. Man in charge.
Going back to the psyche ward. We're staring at each other within the few minute she gets brought in. It was a long moment.
So, to try to put this bullshit into perspective ... my hair was curly/spiked up into oblivion because I hadn't showered in days, my beard was disheveled into another universe, the only clothes I'd been admitted in and allowed were shit, and I'd had clearly been weeping minutes before. I looked like a mental patient who needs to live with mother until I die.
But the second we see each other, everything stopped. I'm trying to understand why.
Sure. She's crazy cute and everyone would take a look.
Still, it's more than that.
The way she stopped raving. The way she looked at me. The way the silence was heard around the ward. It was in the air.
Everyone wanted to talk about it. 20 plus psyche ward patients asking why Sierra and I weren't dating.
It was seeing each other for the first time and looking at each other and we both could see the extremity of emotional crises we were going through at that time.
We both wanted our lives to end. At that moment.
But we wanted to talk first.
So despite my stupid hair, and beard from a century ago, and vocabulary of a grandfather, we were inseperable.
She even kissed me in front of security. Which I was to later on was her first kiss. She got in crazy trouble for that. Another story.
We colored penciled an owl together.
More if anyone wants to hear Sierra's love of scrambled eggs and grits.
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
So ... Sierra decides to show the wisdom beyond her years.
Sierra and I are highly actively outwardly emotional. And bipolar and suicidal and ready to committ acts that most people only think of.
Yeah. We're those kinds of people.
So we cry a lot. And Sierra has seen / heard me cry enough times to differentiate crying times.
I'm crying like it's the end of the world and Sierra rushes over and holds me like there's nothing else to be done. She feeds me ice water until my session is over. Took 3 buckets of ice water before I fell asleep.
And then I told her everything about Audrey. It was a long story.
Sierra and I are highly actively outwardly emotional. And bipolar and suicidal and ready to committ acts that most people only think of.
Yeah. We're those kinds of people.
So we cry a lot. And Sierra has seen / heard me cry enough times to differentiate crying times.
I'm crying like it's the end of the world and Sierra rushes over and holds me like there's nothing else to be done. She feeds me ice water until my session is over. Took 3 buckets of ice water before I fell asleep.
And then I told her everything about Audrey. It was a long story.
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
This is how it started. Out of the fucking blue.
"Michael. Are you still in love with Audrey?"
"What? What kind of question is that?"
"Michael. I've been reading your new drafts. Are you in love with Audrey?"
"That question is so wildly out of bounds I can't believe you're even asking it. This talk is over."
"Michael. Are you still in love with Audrey?"
"What do you want me to say? What answer would satisfy you? What do you want to hear?"
"Michael, I read your last draft. Are you still in love with Audrey?"
"What the fuck do you want me to say? Yes, I had a crush on her in junior high and she was not interested. And then we hit high school and she fell in love with me but I had moved on and I was in love with another girl and she fucking killed herself over it! It that what you want to fuckint hear! What the fuck are you asking me!?"
"Michael. Are you still in love with her?"
"YES. SHE'S A BLOODY CORPSE IN THE GROUND AND I'M IN LOVE WITH HER! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO FUCKING HEAR?"
"Michael. I love the way you write about her. She's fucking awesome. She was like Harley Quinn before that was even a thing. I just want you to be honest with me. Can I please play her in the movie?"
So ... I guess my Audrey character is the Harley Quinn before there was Harley Quinn. But I'm going to have to take it up a notch.
Audrey, you were the most beautiful soul to ever exist. I will never stop missing you.
"Michael. Are you still in love with Audrey?"
"What? What kind of question is that?"
"Michael. I've been reading your new drafts. Are you in love with Audrey?"
"That question is so wildly out of bounds I can't believe you're even asking it. This talk is over."
"Michael. Are you still in love with Audrey?"
"What do you want me to say? What answer would satisfy you? What do you want to hear?"
"Michael, I read your last draft. Are you still in love with Audrey?"
"What the fuck do you want me to say? Yes, I had a crush on her in junior high and she was not interested. And then we hit high school and she fell in love with me but I had moved on and I was in love with another girl and she fucking killed herself over it! It that what you want to fuckint hear! What the fuck are you asking me!?"
"Michael. Are you still in love with her?"
"YES. SHE'S A BLOODY CORPSE IN THE GROUND AND I'M IN LOVE WITH HER! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO FUCKING HEAR?"
"Michael. I love the way you write about her. She's fucking awesome. She was like Harley Quinn before that was even a thing. I just want you to be honest with me. Can I please play her in the movie?"
So ... I guess my Audrey character is the Harley Quinn before there was Harley Quinn. But I'm going to have to take it up a notch.
Audrey, you were the most beautiful soul to ever exist. I will never stop missing you.
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
So Sierra got me with another prank. And I decided to get her back.
This is a bit @momofthegoons posted a while back.
"Sierra, I need to tell you about my time in China."
"Is this a bit?"
"No. This shit actually happens.
See, when you go to a restaurant in China, and you order the appetizer, what happens is they bring you out a live monkey, and then they slaughter him right in front of you on the table. Then they cut open the cranium and give you some chopsticks and just let you pick at the raw brains until the main course arrives. They don't even charge you. It's a different culture than ours."
She actually believed me and looked it up again!
As if anyone would actually do that!
Americans really need to travel more.
This is a bit @momofthegoons posted a while back.
"Sierra, I need to tell you about my time in China."
"Is this a bit?"
"No. This shit actually happens.
See, when you go to a restaurant in China, and you order the appetizer, what happens is they bring you out a live monkey, and then they slaughter him right in front of you on the table. Then they cut open the cranium and give you some chopsticks and just let you pick at the raw brains until the main course arrives. They don't even charge you. It's a different culture than ours."
She actually believed me and looked it up again!
As if anyone would actually do that!
Americans really need to travel more.
Tincandtoke
Well-Known Member
Remember the days you could BS without being fact checked on the spot
Love Eugene Levy from the SCTV days
Him and Andrea Martin are the best
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
So, a couple nights ago, Sierra invites the girls over.
They start doing vodka shots. And eating burritos. Extra beans.
One of the girls, Alisha, is an extrovert and is incapable of being embarrassed. So she starts the farting. She landed a fart bomb I heard from upstairs. And it went from there.
A room full of twentysomething drunk girls who have decided that farting is the joke of the night. Like they're a bunch of drunken frat boys.
It went from there. From fart to fart. Laugh to laugh.
What made me leave the room?
When Alisha dropped the kind of fart bomb meant for WWII, and then exclaimed, "Oh no! Situation, girls! I think I just buttered my biscuits!"
Fucking gross.
So I ask Sierra about it later.
"Is that seriously how you girls act when you're only among other girls?"
"Dude, you don't even know. When Alisha gets going, it's on."
"That's fucking gross."
So she decides to play a prank on me. And I fell for it.
She goes to the bathroom, and leaves the door a peek open. And then I hear this:
I hear it all the way from the bedroom. And I rush to the bathroom door.
"Sierra, are you okay? I can hear this. It sounds like you have food poisoning! I'm coming in."
"Yeah, dude. Lay off. Chill."
"Why should I chill when my girlfriend is shitting her guts out? It sounds like you're on a Code Brown emergency in there!"
"Dude, it's only mud flaps. Relax."
"I don't know what that means. I'm coming in, okay?"
"Dude, I'm making chocolate donuts. You don't want to smell this."
"That's fucking gross. And I don't care. A healthy person can't make those knd of sounds. "
So I walk in. And there she is. With the phone right up against the door. So I heard every sound.
Fucking hell.
I was legitmately concerned for her well being!
She got the scolding of a lifetime. Although admitted I was sweet for caring for her despite the poop.
They start doing vodka shots. And eating burritos. Extra beans.
One of the girls, Alisha, is an extrovert and is incapable of being embarrassed. So she starts the farting. She landed a fart bomb I heard from upstairs. And it went from there.
A room full of twentysomething drunk girls who have decided that farting is the joke of the night. Like they're a bunch of drunken frat boys.
It went from there. From fart to fart. Laugh to laugh.
What made me leave the room?
When Alisha dropped the kind of fart bomb meant for WWII, and then exclaimed, "Oh no! Situation, girls! I think I just buttered my biscuits!"
Fucking gross.
So I ask Sierra about it later.
"Is that seriously how you girls act when you're only among other girls?"
"Dude, you don't even know. When Alisha gets going, it's on."
"That's fucking gross."
So she decides to play a prank on me. And I fell for it.
She goes to the bathroom, and leaves the door a peek open. And then I hear this:
I hear it all the way from the bedroom. And I rush to the bathroom door.
"Sierra, are you okay? I can hear this. It sounds like you have food poisoning! I'm coming in."
"Yeah, dude. Lay off. Chill."
"Why should I chill when my girlfriend is shitting her guts out? It sounds like you're on a Code Brown emergency in there!"
"Dude, it's only mud flaps. Relax."
"I don't know what that means. I'm coming in, okay?"
"Dude, I'm making chocolate donuts. You don't want to smell this."
"That's fucking gross. And I don't care. A healthy person can't make those knd of sounds. "
So I walk in. And there she is. With the phone right up against the door. So I heard every sound.
Fucking hell.
I was legitmately concerned for her well being!
She got the scolding of a lifetime. Although admitted I was sweet for caring for her despite the poop.
Last edited:
Tincandtoke
Well-Known Member
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
So ... here's a little number for you.
Sierra has not been in a good place mentally the last few days. In the lowest end of her downward bipolar cycle. Won't take her meds. Lays in bed all day.
I can't stand to see her like this.
I ask her, "Do you want to watch a movie or something? Maybe something silly and stupid?"
"No. I want to watch something sad."
"Um .... okay. What about The Shape of Water?"
"Dude, isn't that like where some chick gets it on with like some fish or something? That's fucking weird."
"Um ... there's a lot more to it than that. But yes, that is the movie to which I'm referring."
"Fine. Whatever. I don't care."
So two minutes in, she pauses it, and demands I have plenty of cannabis ready - In "HER" GH and snacks and alcohol and no pee breaks. This film changed her. It was like me seeing Stanley Kubrick's 2001 - that shit changes you.
She was weeping by the film's end. She got all that shit out of her system and then fell asleep.
She woke up the next day and started asking me about del Toro. I made the mistake of telling her about Pan's Labyrinth.
Now, the protagonist is a little girl named Ophelia. She is a fucking badass. Brave, kind, loving, won't back down to anyone. IMO, she's maybe the greatest character who's ever been written. She's a fucking goddess. Living through a dark and violent fairy tale and trying to make sense of the world.
And now Sierra is in love with del Toro movies. Can't blame her.
Sierra has not been in a good place mentally the last few days. In the lowest end of her downward bipolar cycle. Won't take her meds. Lays in bed all day.
I can't stand to see her like this.
I ask her, "Do you want to watch a movie or something? Maybe something silly and stupid?"
"No. I want to watch something sad."
"Um .... okay. What about The Shape of Water?"
"Dude, isn't that like where some chick gets it on with like some fish or something? That's fucking weird."
"Um ... there's a lot more to it than that. But yes, that is the movie to which I'm referring."
"Fine. Whatever. I don't care."
So two minutes in, she pauses it, and demands I have plenty of cannabis ready - In "HER" GH and snacks and alcohol and no pee breaks. This film changed her. It was like me seeing Stanley Kubrick's 2001 - that shit changes you.
She was weeping by the film's end. She got all that shit out of her system and then fell asleep.
She woke up the next day and started asking me about del Toro. I made the mistake of telling her about Pan's Labyrinth.
Now, the protagonist is a little girl named Ophelia. She is a fucking badass. Brave, kind, loving, won't back down to anyone. IMO, she's maybe the greatest character who's ever been written. She's a fucking goddess. Living through a dark and violent fairy tale and trying to make sense of the world.
And now Sierra is in love with del Toro movies. Can't blame her.
Tincandtoke
Well-Known Member
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
Sierra and I were supposed to get together with her friends tonight but the plans all crapped out and we ended up at home instead.
I suggested we get stoned and make it a movie night - no more Doom Patrol! Pretty much any time I begin an idea with "Let's get stoned and then _____ " it's met with agreement.
I tell her it's a windy, rainy, almost chilly night - it's a film noir night.
"Film noir? That sounds like old. Is it as old as you are?"
"Hardy har. It's a hell of a lot older than I am."
"Okay then, Methuselah."
I made the mistake of making that reference the other day. She immediately looked it up and now thinks it's hilarious to call me that.
So, first we watched Double Indemnity (1944) which is widely considered possibly the best film noir movie ever made, as well as one of the best American films ever made. Once she stopped her bloody whining she got into it and ended up loving it. Especially the way the woman sort of flips the script at the end, as any good femme fatale should.
These young folks, if they just put down their goddamn phones they start to realize there's more out there than TikTok.
Then we watched The Big Sleep (1946) which is classic Bogart and also well known as being somewhat of a basis for The Big Lebowski. She liked that one even more.
"Sierra, why did you like that one so much?"
"Because. All the girls in the movie are like all confident and flirty and seducing and like know how to get what they want. It's hot. It's like what I did to you lol."
"Uh, girl, you did not seduce me. I charmed you into falling for me."
"UH, DUDE, I TOTALLY DID lol."
"UH, LIKE TOTALLY NOT, BRO ... it was two adults ... showing ... mutual respect ... and ... deciding ... to ... uh ... see if ... feelings ... Okay, fine. Maybe you seduced me a little bit.
"Lol. Yeah. That's what I thought."
I hate when she leaves me stammering and at a loss for words. Words are the only goddamn thing I have going for me!
She loves to fool herself into thinking that I'm this handsome and dashing man that all women want but that is a complete fabrication. I'm average height, barely. Unkempt hair. Untidy beard. No sense of style. Pasty white. Slightly overweight. Wearing either my Watchmen pin or my Salinger pins. Plus I hide under a cap and behind sunglasses and mask - I was wearing masks before COVID was even a thing just to hide.
Anyway, about 6 months before COVID, at the gas station where all the drama happens, there was this girl who was clearly drunk at the register. She asked me why I'm always so covered up.
"What, are you like, hiding from the cameras? Are you a fugitive or afraid about someone seeing you?"
"No, I'm not. I happen to hate my face. Not that it's any of your business."
That shut her up real quick.
So when Sierra leaves me speechless, it gets under my skin. She's one of two people who have ever been able to do that whenever they wanted ... it can be infuriating.
I suggested we get stoned and make it a movie night - no more Doom Patrol! Pretty much any time I begin an idea with "Let's get stoned and then _____ " it's met with agreement.
I tell her it's a windy, rainy, almost chilly night - it's a film noir night.
"Film noir? That sounds like old. Is it as old as you are?"
"Hardy har. It's a hell of a lot older than I am."
"Okay then, Methuselah."
I made the mistake of making that reference the other day. She immediately looked it up and now thinks it's hilarious to call me that.
So, first we watched Double Indemnity (1944) which is widely considered possibly the best film noir movie ever made, as well as one of the best American films ever made. Once she stopped her bloody whining she got into it and ended up loving it. Especially the way the woman sort of flips the script at the end, as any good femme fatale should.
These young folks, if they just put down their goddamn phones they start to realize there's more out there than TikTok.
Then we watched The Big Sleep (1946) which is classic Bogart and also well known as being somewhat of a basis for The Big Lebowski. She liked that one even more.
"Sierra, why did you like that one so much?"
"Because. All the girls in the movie are like all confident and flirty and seducing and like know how to get what they want. It's hot. It's like what I did to you lol."
"Uh, girl, you did not seduce me. I charmed you into falling for me."
"UH, DUDE, I TOTALLY DID lol."
"UH, LIKE TOTALLY NOT, BRO ... it was two adults ... showing ... mutual respect ... and ... deciding ... to ... uh ... see if ... feelings ... Okay, fine. Maybe you seduced me a little bit.
"Lol. Yeah. That's what I thought."
I hate when she leaves me stammering and at a loss for words. Words are the only goddamn thing I have going for me!
She loves to fool herself into thinking that I'm this handsome and dashing man that all women want but that is a complete fabrication. I'm average height, barely. Unkempt hair. Untidy beard. No sense of style. Pasty white. Slightly overweight. Wearing either my Watchmen pin or my Salinger pins. Plus I hide under a cap and behind sunglasses and mask - I was wearing masks before COVID was even a thing just to hide.
Anyway, about 6 months before COVID, at the gas station where all the drama happens, there was this girl who was clearly drunk at the register. She asked me why I'm always so covered up.
"What, are you like, hiding from the cameras? Are you a fugitive or afraid about someone seeing you?"
"No, I'm not. I happen to hate my face. Not that it's any of your business."
That shut her up real quick.
So when Sierra leaves me speechless, it gets under my skin. She's one of two people who have ever been able to do that whenever they wanted ... it can be infuriating.
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
Every fucking day with Sierra is an adventure.
So yesterday, we had to do one of our shopping trips. And she's in the bathroom FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS.
"Sierra, what the fuck are you doing in there? This is going to take us one hour max."
"Dude. Back off. I'm getting ready."
"Ready for what? Do you think you're going to meet Bradley Cooper while we're out?"
"You better hope not."
LOL.
So finally, she's ready. And she's all gussied up. And yeah, she looked incredible. She's crazy good with makeup and fashion and clothes and whatever, and she had an outfit on that was going to get everyone's attention. Guys, girls, straight, gay, asexual, whatever. And that is indeed what happened.
I knew this as soon as I saw her outfit. So I played a little trick on her. I hadn't showered so I ran my hands up into my hair to make it as spiky as possible.
When I do that, my hair sticks straight up. And it's spiky and curly at the same time. It's sticking up and out every which way. It's like boy band hair. And women LOVE this. I don't know why women love guys who look like peacocks, but they do. When I do this, my hair looks stylized without any attempt at styling it. It's just ... that's my hair.
So Sierra is waiting in the car.
"Um, Michael, do you maybe want to wear a hat or something?"
"Why would I?"
"Because your hair."
"What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing. Just ... I think you should put a hat on."
So yeah. Everyone, boys and girls and whatever else, checked out the two of us. The girls checked out her first, naturally, but then looked at me with the hair and sunglasses and smiled. I pretty much looked like Bob Dylan from the 1960's. Sierra was pissed the fuck off. It was great. She's so fucking sexy when she's mad.
Oh, and the best part was we ended up in the grocery store line with the girl that Sierra hates because this girl is crazy cute and clearly has a crush on me. Sierra's shoulders were hunched up into her ears. Those two didn't speak to each other. Just glaring.
How does a guy go 11 years with zero attention from females, and then is suddenly king shit? I must have prayed to the right god or something.
So yesterday, we had to do one of our shopping trips. And she's in the bathroom FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS.
"Sierra, what the fuck are you doing in there? This is going to take us one hour max."
"Dude. Back off. I'm getting ready."
"Ready for what? Do you think you're going to meet Bradley Cooper while we're out?"
"You better hope not."
LOL.
So finally, she's ready. And she's all gussied up. And yeah, she looked incredible. She's crazy good with makeup and fashion and clothes and whatever, and she had an outfit on that was going to get everyone's attention. Guys, girls, straight, gay, asexual, whatever. And that is indeed what happened.
I knew this as soon as I saw her outfit. So I played a little trick on her. I hadn't showered so I ran my hands up into my hair to make it as spiky as possible.
When I do that, my hair sticks straight up. And it's spiky and curly at the same time. It's sticking up and out every which way. It's like boy band hair. And women LOVE this. I don't know why women love guys who look like peacocks, but they do. When I do this, my hair looks stylized without any attempt at styling it. It's just ... that's my hair.
So Sierra is waiting in the car.
"Um, Michael, do you maybe want to wear a hat or something?"
"Why would I?"
"Because your hair."
"What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing. Just ... I think you should put a hat on."
So yeah. Everyone, boys and girls and whatever else, checked out the two of us. The girls checked out her first, naturally, but then looked at me with the hair and sunglasses and smiled. I pretty much looked like Bob Dylan from the 1960's. Sierra was pissed the fuck off. It was great. She's so fucking sexy when she's mad.
Oh, and the best part was we ended up in the grocery store line with the girl that Sierra hates because this girl is crazy cute and clearly has a crush on me. Sierra's shoulders were hunched up into her ears. Those two didn't speak to each other. Just glaring.
How does a guy go 11 years with zero attention from females, and then is suddenly king shit? I must have prayed to the right god or something.
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
I went hardcore on Sierra again. And believe me, she deserved it.
I heard this joke somewhere but I don't know where. So I just ran with it.
"So, you know, in Seattle, they're not even doing the public bikes or scooters thing anymore. No, they're just using horses. You don't rent bikes or scooters. You just rent horses. You swipe your card and you've got a horse for a few hours.
The best part of it is that the otherwise unemployable, well the city gives them a wheelbarrow and a shovel and they are just paid to follow the horses around all day and scoop up and collect the horseshit.
And then, at night, well the city built a big stable where they can all stay warm by sleeping next to the horses. And when they get hungry, they can just fry up one of the horses and eat heartily."
And she believed it. LOL.
Seriously though. People STILL EAT HORSES. It's a thing. Look it up. It's sick as shit. People still eat fucking horses.
Sometimes the only way to point out how horrible something is ... well you have to make a joke about it.
Is this funny? No. Not really. Is this where EDA's mind goes? Yeah, kinda. Comedian minds go to dark places.
To be fair, horse meat is actually used all over the world. But the French get the worst rap for it.
I heard this joke somewhere but I don't know where. So I just ran with it.
"So, you know, in Seattle, they're not even doing the public bikes or scooters thing anymore. No, they're just using horses. You don't rent bikes or scooters. You just rent horses. You swipe your card and you've got a horse for a few hours.
The best part of it is that the otherwise unemployable, well the city gives them a wheelbarrow and a shovel and they are just paid to follow the horses around all day and scoop up and collect the horseshit.
And then, at night, well the city built a big stable where they can all stay warm by sleeping next to the horses. And when they get hungry, they can just fry up one of the horses and eat heartily."
And she believed it. LOL.
Seriously though. People STILL EAT HORSES. It's a thing. Look it up. It's sick as shit. People still eat fucking horses.
Sometimes the only way to point out how horrible something is ... well you have to make a joke about it.
Is this funny? No. Not really. Is this where EDA's mind goes? Yeah, kinda. Comedian minds go to dark places.
To be fair, horse meat is actually used all over the world. But the French get the worst rap for it.
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
Ugh. University football game today. The campus was packed. And it was warm ass weather so the college girls took advantage. As did Sierra. I'm not complaining. Her skirt was definetly too short - it showed off 1/4 of her butt - but she knows how protective that makes me and ... well ... it leads to other things.
So she says she want to listen to something "girly" as we drive through campus. What do you mean, girly? I don't listen to girly music.
Uh, dude, like half your old man iPod is like girl music. You're good with girls. Just go with it.
Like what?
Apparently .... it's this. This is what Sierra played while we "rolled" through campus.
And that wasn't enough. We saw grocery store girl, who is even shorter and skinnier than Sierra. And Sierra just glared at her the whole time at the stoplight.
So this is what we blasted out of the car. To anyone not buried in their headphones or phone. Which were few.
So she says she want to listen to something "girly" as we drive through campus. What do you mean, girly? I don't listen to girly music.
Uh, dude, like half your old man iPod is like girl music. You're good with girls. Just go with it.
Like what?
Apparently .... it's this. This is what Sierra played while we "rolled" through campus.
And that wasn't enough. We saw grocery store girl, who is even shorter and skinnier than Sierra. And Sierra just glared at her the whole time at the stoplight.
So this is what we blasted out of the car. To anyone not buried in their headphones or phone. Which were few.
EveryDayAmnesiac
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
This is the shit I'm dealing with.
So it's not enough that Sierra has made friends with the fox. And the feral cats. And the possums. Now it's the owl.
Now this is partly my fault. I woke up early one morning, before I met her, and saw an owl being harrassed by crows. I don't know what the deal was, but it wasn't right. So I went out there and made a shit ton of noise and made the crows fly away.
So this owl takes it as friendship. Which it was. I love owls.
But now he or she is nesting right outside my fucking bathroom window. I see her every time I take a piss in the morning. Just staring at me in that owl way. Fascinated. And confused. And judging me.
And then Sierra askes, "What can we feed him?"
"What the fuck do you mean what can we feed feed him? He's been around for years. He or she knows what they're doing. We already have a fucking racoon living here, so do you really think we need a fucking owl?"
Yeah. That wasn't good enough So we had to look up owl treats. Now we have a pet fucking owl.
The animals ... they flock to her.
So it's not enough that Sierra has made friends with the fox. And the feral cats. And the possums. Now it's the owl.
Now this is partly my fault. I woke up early one morning, before I met her, and saw an owl being harrassed by crows. I don't know what the deal was, but it wasn't right. So I went out there and made a shit ton of noise and made the crows fly away.
So this owl takes it as friendship. Which it was. I love owls.
But now he or she is nesting right outside my fucking bathroom window. I see her every time I take a piss in the morning. Just staring at me in that owl way. Fascinated. And confused. And judging me.
And then Sierra askes, "What can we feed him?"
"What the fuck do you mean what can we feed feed him? He's been around for years. He or she knows what they're doing. We already have a fucking racoon living here, so do you really think we need a fucking owl?"
Yeah. That wasn't good enough So we had to look up owl treats. Now we have a pet fucking owl.
The animals ... they flock to her.
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