Lunacy Accidental Bachelor Life Hacks with EveryDayAmnesiac

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

Ok. So, you fucked it up. Then you fucked it up again. Now you're a bachelor for life. Let's talk hacks.

So, the first thing I want to talk about is (unpassionate) heat. Electric, gas, wood, however you slice it, this form of heat is expensive. But did you know that you can take in stray mammals and leave food around your bed so that these animals sleep next to you and keep you warm for the night?

Also, don't keep "the heat" on in the bathroom until you wake up and need to violently shit out last night's alcohol and hot sauces. Just put some toilet paper down on the seat first and this will really take the edge off the cold. If you have a dog or cat or raccoon to lay on your feet while you look up SNL skits from the early 90's as you're punishing that 20 year old toilet, good for you.

Food? Easy. Anything you have in a can, well, mix it up. Add tomato sauce and cheese and heat it up. It really doesn't matter what it is. Simply add heat and it will taste … like something you can exist on. Save the fancy stuff for when you start shaving and brushing your teeth and manscaping again. You've just got to survive right now.

Continue watching King of the Hill and South Park and Seinfeld on an endless loop. The singles will come running for you. Trust me.

Yes, buy the 18-pack of Miller High Life on sale for $10. You know you're going to drink it. And the young men and women at the grocery store are not going to lose interest in you - they never had any interest in you anyway. The grey in your beard kinda was a dealbreaker already. So was you buying one of the fancy frozen pizzas that are like 10 fucking dollars.

Keep working on, and talking about, that screenplay that is so much better and smarter than anything out there - you only need like a couple more weeks to finish it and then it's the summertime gravy train.

Act like a dick to anyone who might talk to you. You don't want these people messing with a good thing.

Hide your various compendiums of comics when attractive people stop by your home. In fact, just hide all your comics and your weird collection of exploitation DVDs. But the amassment of Vonnegut and Salinger and Kafka? Keep them annoyingly on display. You (maybe) read books - you're hot.

By the way, I (EDA) am not a licsened therapist, nor have I ever received professional help, but I do have a lot of free time. And a heart of darkness.

Any singles out there want to add to my advice?

 

[Disrupt]

You call yourself a bachelor?!

Heat: get used to the cold. To keep the pipes from cracking, a house need only be heated to 50F, so don't light the furnace until you can see your breath indoors. With global warming, you might only need it for a few weeks - soon, not at all.

Food: eat only what can be eaten raw. No need to open cans, combine ingredients, heat, etc., and no dishes to wash. Also reduces gastrointestinal distress - there's no one to drive you home from the hospital.

Entertainment: don't overlook Fortnite. Kill hours every day while you safely act out pent-up frustrations.

Alcohol - give it up. Just double your cannabis intake. Take care of yourself. No one else ever will.

Act like a dick to anyone who might talk to you.

This requires attention?

Hide your various compendiums of comics when attractive people stop by your home.

You still care what others think? There are no attractive people, and if there were, they certainly wouldn't "stop by".

Additions, let's see...

Clothing: pajamas, with or without robe. Classic.

Work: telecommute. The less you leave your house, the better for everyone.

Sex: forget masturbation - let your subconscious work it out while you sleep. (Remember to wear pajamas, or at least a diaper, to bed.)

Social interaction: Vapor Asylum, obviously - and NOTHING else!

 

[BabyFacedFinster]

Jesus, you sound like you're all fucked up right now.

Here's my advice: I think you should sell everything, keep just enough to throw in a backpack, and start traveling the world.

 

[Madri-Gal]

This thread has been on my mind since it was posted. It's touching, humorous, and sad. @EveryDayAmnesiac, I hope it's getting better for you. The screenplay sounds brilliant, whatever it's about. I've idly wondered where the single men are. Now I know they are eating from a can, and reading comics while sitting on the can. Not something to dwell on, but it does answer some questions.

 

[Disrupt]

Disappointed this thread isn't more active. Garrison Keillor was on point describing "Norwegian bachelor farmers" in his hilarious Prairie Home Companion monologues. (You don't have to be Norwegian, but it probably helps a little.)

In retrospect, bachelorhood was inevitable. Didn't start dating until the age of 26 years. Never figured out what all the fuss was about. Kept at it for a couple of decades, then let it go. What a relief! Like a proverbial weight lifted from the shoulders.

It might not be from a comic book, but this passage from Plato's Republic, read in youth, always resonated. It's in the first book, before things get difficult, attributed to Socrates' friend Cephalus. (Imagine old age occurred much earlier in life for the ancient Greeks.)

How well I remember the aged poet Sophocles, when in answer to the question, How does love suit with age, Sophocles, --are you still the man you were? Peace, he replied; most gladly have I escaped the thing of which you speak; I feel as if I had escaped from a mad and furious master. His words have often occurred to my mind since, and they seem as good to me now as at the time when he uttered them. For certainly old age has a great sense of calm and freedom; when the passions relax their hold, then, as Sophocles says, we are freed from the grasp not of one mad master only, but of many.

But lest we forget, Rorshach was a bachelor.

(As was Nite Owl, but he was still datable.)

 

[deep_meditation]

Single here and in my late 40s. I've become somewhat of a recluse but I'm not a dick to people. Definitely not an Incel and I refuse to become a crusty old man. I'm just generally socially inept and I don't care much anymore. Health problems haven't helped. Some time ago I was really f'ing angry in general about everything. I was waiting in line at a store. Just waiting in line... I didn't feel particularly upset or anything that day. There wasn't a long wait. A little boy was in the next lane and he was looking over at me, pointed at me, and looked at his mom and asked "Mommy, what is that man so angry?" True story. I leave all of that at home when I go to work though.

Do to my mobility issues I couldn't handle a dog... unless it's service animal (trained animal, not one of those comfort animals). That might be in my future. A friend said to me "You should get a cat." For me, that would just cap things off. Might as well have suggested I get one of those AI sex robots.

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

Now I know they are eating from a can, and reading comics while sitting on the can.

To be fair, sometimes they are eating soggy two-day-old tacos from a semi-compostable to-go box and washing it down with a lager or three while reading about the latest breaking news about years-old vaporizers while sitting on the can. That was an obnoxious amount of hyphens, wasn't it?

"You should get a cat."

If you change your mind, you can swing on by my place and pick some up - there's plenty around here to spare! Same goes for the sex robots.

But lest we forget, Rorshach was a bachelor.

Let's not forget every bachelor's favorite bachelor!




… Okay, technically he used to be married, which technically means he's not a bachelor. But... who fucking cares. Technically I would not be a bachelor then …

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

I'm bringing this sexy thread back. For the laughs.

I'm too stupid to do anything useful. But I know how to laugh. I'm smart enough to know my laughter will light up a room. Laughter is as important as intelligence, yes?

 

[Disrupt]

Love sheltering in place, but hate the hunger and weight loss? Have you considered potato flakes? Instant, wholesome calories. Just pour some in a mug and stir. No need to heat (a lot of people don't know that). Add anything you like: hot sauce, instant coffee, chocolate syrup, grain alcohol. Or enjoy the delicate flavor plain.

Potato flakes, in the 10 lb bucket.

Joyously awaiting B&B's return.