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Lunacy Potentially Violent Home Security Not Involving Firearms


I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
So ... being a dangerously suicidal and bipolar and just plain angry dude ... it's been decided that I shouldn't have firearms in my home.

Fine by me. I don't like guns. I'm shit with guns. I can't hit a fucking barn with a gun and ten minutes to aim.


What I have is a baseball bat. Wrapped up the butthole with barbed wire - the most painful kind - and I've "spilled" Halloween blood all over it to make it seem used. It's scary and elegant. I learned it from Negan. I'm itching to use it.

Not that I'll ever need it. I live so far up in the mountains / wilderness that the only dudes coming to my place would think I've been foraging magic mushrooms for years. Which ... well ... that doesn't really matter. Let's just say I have a beard that hasn't been maintained in 3 years. Ahem.

But what is the best way to defend your home without likely killing your family in the process?
I do like guns and shooting as a competitive and recrational sport and def can shit shit I aim for. But, with that said and in your case, I'm thinking this may fit the bill, yeah?

Wasp Spray Self Defense


If you spend time on social media or in online forums devoted to firearms, you’ll probably hear people talk about less-lethal means of self protection. Some people will suggest that you shouldn’t worry about such things because you have a gun. Others will suggest that you should carry something like a high-powered tactical flashlight (not a bad idea, actually). Sooner or later, though, someone will inevitably suggest you use wasp spray for self defense.

Pepper Spray - I have a can.
Well, this isn't exactly a gun, right? Boring Company's Not a Flame Thrower. When not defending one's self, you can make S'mores, right? :-)


Kevin McCallister’s 25 cruellest Home Alone traps​

ByLarry Bartleet
19th December 2015

25. The feather coat
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Humiliation
Kevin manages to cover Harry’s face in glue, then the criminal accidentally starts a fan, covering him with the feathers lying in front of it. It’s not painful – but it is painfully embarrassing.


24. The trip wire
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Incapacitating
As Harry and Marv reach the top of the stairs in the original film, this instrument of guerrilla warfare manages to put Harry head over heels. Doesn’t slow them down for long, though.

23. The staple gun
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Piercing
Kevin breaks his opponents’ skin here. Or rather, Marv does. He manages to staple himself three times with this mean trap, including once on the nose. Ouch.


22. The tarantula
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Fear
Kevin’s brother Buzz is the worst, but he does have a tarantula. With all his family off on holiday, Kevin uses the arachnid to strike fear into Marv’s heart.


21. Improvised caltrops
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Incapacitating
If you’re worried about a visit from robbers at Christmas time, incapacitate them by leaving glass baubles by the windows – then they’ll get smashed glass in their feet. As long as they’re not wearing shoes. Whatever, it’s all part of an elaborate plan.

20. The shovel to the face
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Trauma
This one’s not exactly Kevin’s doing – and being towards the end of the film, it’s actually more of a deus ex machina moment – but it’s still an effective way to stop burglars. After this, Harry and Marv get arrested and everything starts going back to normal.

19. The BB gun to the groin
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Unforgivable
The worst thing about this is that Harry never sees it coming. He’s just standing by the catflap, without a care in the world, when Kev shoots him in his privates. When Marv puts his head through the catflap, he gets a shot in the face too.

18. The bird-seed shroud
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Fear, humiliation
An amped-up variation of the original’s feather coat – in the second film Kev manages to get both burglars covered in glue and bird seed, and attacked by a swarm of pigeons. For ornithophobes, it’s probably unwatchable.

17. The ball-busting shelf
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Unforgivable, trauma
You can’t fail to wince at poor Marv’s troubles here here, slipping his way groin-first into a shelf of paint. Pity him.



16. The cascading concrete powder
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Gravity-induced trauma
Marv tries to climb a rope he thinks is secure, and as he leaves the ground, the bag of concrete powder it’s attached to comes straight for his head.

15. The tumbling toolkit
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Gravity-induced trauma
This one’s a variant of the classic ‘bucket of water balanced on a door’ prank – except this bucket’s full of spanners.

14. The tar
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Asset removal (boots)
Kevin’s tar is placed at the perfect time – it becomes cool and adhesive enough to remove Marv’s boots – socks and all – exposing him to all kinds of foot-based punishment.

13. The slippery staircase
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Humiliation, falling
Kev’s also one of the few people looking to add ice to their staircases, knowing his intruders won’t think to wear crampons.

12. The scalding-hot handle
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Debilitating burns
A classic. Whether or not it would work in real life doesn’t really matter.


11. The hidden nail
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Debilitating foot-piercing
The likelihood that Marv would tread on the one nail Kevin placed here after forcing him to remove his boots is admittedly not high, but then again, this is Marv we’re talking about.

10. The falling iron
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Burns, gravity-induced trauma
Kevin’s pulley system causes an iron to fall down a vent shaft when Marv tries to turn on the basement light. He looks straight up at it, getting himself a hot, hard knock on the face.


9. The head blowtorch
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Head burns
This is where Kevin’s psychopathic tendencies become clear – burning someone’s head is essentially just torture. The other weird thing about this scene is how Harry just stands in the stream of fire for at least three seconds – he’s meant to be the smart one.

8. The rope-cut
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Falling
One of the more satisfying ‘denial of entry’ moments in the first film, this one sees Harry and Marv on a rope high above the ground, trying to shuffle into the house. Kev appears with some shears and down they go.

7. The slippery ladder
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Falling
Some kind of green slime loosens Harry’s grip on this shortened ladder, forcing him to fall flat on his back. To add insult to injury, a big glob of the green goo falls straight on his face.


6. The rope-burn
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Falling, burns
Kevin’s supply of kerosene is never low – here he’s dipped a rope in the stuff, and lights it with Harry and Marv halfway up. Miraculously, they survive the ridiculous fall.

5. The metal wodge
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Blunt trauma, falling
This weighty pendulum trap is approaching Indiana Jones levels of severity. How did Kev even lift it?

4. The hat explosion
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Burning, explosive
In the first film there was a head-height blow-torch, which left Harry’s hat on fire. After that one he jumped headfirst into snow – here his only option is to dip his head in a toilet he’s unaware is filled with kerosene. The results are particularly explosive.


3. The electrocution
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Electric, sadistic
Kevin actually turns up the voltage on this rigged arc welder while Marv is being electrocuted by it. That’s an actual torture thing. Chilling.


2. The paint-pot pendulum
Film: Home Alone
Damage type: Blunt trauma, implausible
A fan favourite from the first film. One hits Marv square in the face, and Harry turns to talk to him. Another swings down, hits him straight into the other one, and down he goes too.

1. The brick throw
Film: Home Alone 2
Damage type: Gravity-induced trauma, sadistic
Look at Kevin’s face as he chucks these bricks. It’s nonchalant. It’s routine. It’s the face of a sadist. It’s now clear we never should have rooted for him.

Good ideas, @im not a robot

However, being the manly man-man that I am ... sometimes I just have to be ... manly.

Well, this isn't exactly a gun, right? Boring Company's Not a Flame Thrower. When not defending one's self, you can make S'mores, right? :-)

View attachment 29177

What's wrong with having a flame thrower?
Handy dandy and super fun to own and operate.............and fire!

Now that's what I'm talking about! :torching:
I like throwing knives. And im pretty good with them, and i know the the points i have to be in to hit an intruder at the door to get the rotations right... id say throwing knives are a good safe defence.. its hard to hurt yourself with one... and almost impossible to throw one and hit yourself... unless you can run really really fast...
Two game bred American Bulldogs a male and a female.
Get as pups and raise them close inside.
Spend your days teaching them not to maul everyone they see........perceived threats and all that.
More dog is the answer to 99.999% of life's issues.
Come on man! Everybody knows they are guarding your glass and jar collection.

But what is the best way to defend your home without likely killing your family in the process? .... Pick up a martial form that fits your physical profile and temperament. It sometimes helps with that mental/emotional thing too. Wax in, wax out....
Well, there is this approach....bit more assertive than the Home Alone stuff haha


Or, if your home is elevation challenged and don't have the room to swing a log trap at intruders, there is always the punji stick trick, yeah?


But, if your home is built on a slab, going to be kind of hard to dig the punji pit, right...so, there is always the snatch and bag:


Now, this would fit into a condo and such, but will be hard in the interior decorating (and maybe the exterior also! )

So, this is the kinder to the home version....fill with the disgusting stuff of your choice. Me, I'm thinking liquid roofing mastic.


Good luck and remember to pay up your personal injury liability insurance. :-)
According to my latest scientist-approved astrological-and meteorologist-approved idea based on nothing ... aliens are coming this way.

This thread may make the difference.


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