Rant This is not my body

[Kellya86]

For as long as I can remember, iv hated being human...
Every thing about it seems wrong...
We are just a slowly decaying sack of flesh and fluids, waiting to rot away....

And this body is so unrefined and badly thought out if you ask me...
So much to go wrong, so easily....

I hate the taste in my mouth, (I'm a very orally hygienic person), it just seems unnatural to me...

Iv always had digestive problems that iv learned to deal with, but again it all seem horrible and unnatural to me...
Stuffing ourselves with substances, to feed our internal bio waste production....

It all just seems wrong to me, this has never felt like my body, just some rotting, and smelling/tasting vessel of flesh....

And it's not like I have a bad body, as far as it goes, I wasn't too unlucky with what I got...
So that's not why I feel like this....

Bein organic and human to me, just feels completely wrong..
Even as a kid I felt like this...
Always felt like a dream I was in or something...

Anyone else have this view...????
Or is it just me.....

 

[Drexciya]

That must suck. Do you even enjoy eating and drinking or do you experience it as a necessity that you hate but you can't go without?

Thinking about it a bit longer I think I only experienced something like this after eating some mushrooms. It almost sound like an outer body experience where you reflect on what you are and in what container you are stuck.

 

[GreenHopper]

I know what you mean, although for me it's 50/50.

My parents tell me that within 30mins of being born my skin was already beginning to turn red, swell and blister. So I've spent most of my life physically uncomfortable in my own body.

The idea that my conscious self was contained and limited to this cage felt weird and wrong. I always liked the idea of uploading my conscious mind into/onto the internet, 'Transcendence' style. Try as I might I just can't seem to exist without my body so I'm learning to live with it instead.

There have been moments in my life though where I have been well enough to have a taste of what a healthy body can achieve, I've managed to:

• Dance an all night rave
• Run a half marathon in under 2hrs
• Run myself over with my own MTB on a downhill trail (I consider that a great achievement)
• Learn Wing Chun, can sort of practise it too
• Travel a fair bit
• etc...

I guess what I'm saying is, although I feel anchored to reality by my body, I also believe you can't separate the body and the mind fully. I personally feel, when you die, you die, that's it, show's over, lights out. So to experience this reality my body is a necessity, I have to accept its limitations but I also have to realise its potential when possible.

I think the human body may be flawed but it is ultimately the most adaptive and amazing vessel to have come out of evolution. Just not for everyone, I've seen people perform feats of amazing strength, agility, flexibility and endurance that have just amazed me. Olympic athletes, marathon runners, freedivers, parkour specialists, astronauts, contortionists, slackline walkers, free climbers (it's still impressive when they use safety ropes), Ninja Warriors, the list just goes on.

Also remember the brain is part of the human body, it's the thing that lets you imagine a life without limits. Even on the days where I have no position I can be comfortable in, no sleep, days when I'm smashing back the painkillers and steroids, I still have the ability to project my mind beyond my situation. I couldn't do that without my brain, without my body I would be nothing.

 

[OldOyler]

Peace all!

I have always believed that, no matter how thin an "anchor thread", even when "out of the body" occurs, it isn't 100%.

Since my spirit *immediately* knows where to return when that is over. I do not search around looking for my particular body, they are clearly still bound.

C.S. Lewis wrote a lot about trying to understand suffering, especially the physical kind. And he reached no conclusions really, just thoughts and viewpoints to ponder.

For me, the simplest path...

Is that pain just is a fact in my body. It gets to shake the balance, this is true. I am body, mind, and spirit (imo). Shake the first two, and the third will cave in a hot second.

But I have a control room over them all. A master force.

My will.

Peace and much healing to everyone.

 

[Kellya86]

I do see eating and drinking as a chore more than anything...
There is food like, but im quite fussy and id be happier to just take a magic pill each day that had all my dietry requirements..
Eating is inefficient and time consuming.....

Iv had my fair share of psychedelics in my time, but i have always felt like this anyway...

It's strange, I know there is no other option, but i just feel extremely out of place...

I too believe that this is your only life, but is that because of my hatred for religion...???

I feel like my mind is waiting for the right vessel, and knows it will happen eventually...
For me to be this unsettled in this form, surely the mind must be capable of more...???

 

[GreenHopper]

I do see eating and drinking as a chore more than anything...

That really is a shame, is it because you can't taste food?

Don't like the texture?

Or does food cause you pain/allergy?

I've found food to be as much of an exploration as climbing a mountain or walking through a forest.

Eating is inefficient and time consuming.....

Or, eating is a wonderful way to spend time...it's very much a perspective thing.

Technically sex is a time consuming inefficient way to reproduce but damn man, it's a great way to have some fun and get to know a girl.

I too believe that this is your only life, but is that because of my hatred for religion...???

I don't hate religion or the people who follow it, I'm just disappointed they choose to place their faith elsewhere when they should be placing it in themselves and their neighbours.

Religion is twisted by a capitalist/imperialist mentality to become a system of control and manipulation. My view is, any reform has to come from us not divine intervention and we must reform. Religion is escapism, that's OK I watch a lot of TV to escape reality, I vape a bit of bud for the same reason too. What we mustn't do is fool ourselves into believing blind worship absolves us of our responsibility to be the change we want to see happen. Or some shit to that effect.

I feel like my mind is waiting for the right vessel

Stop waiting, tempus fugit, if I'm wrong then great you may get another vessel but you don't get to find out until this life is over so personally I'm hedging my bets and trying to do the best I can with what I got.

urely the mind must be capable of more...???

I think so, but I feel like it can't operate without the body and operates far more smoothly when the body is in good health.

Do you cook at all? I'm just wondering if your disconnected feeling towards food may be somewhat alleviated if you were more involved in its preparation? Just a thought...

 

[Kellya86]

It's not that I'm repulsed by food,..... actually I am by most of it...
Most of it smells and looks rancid to me...
And yeah I don't like the whole system of digestion, gas and getting bloated and all the disgusting problems that come with the way we harvest our energy...
My diet is just basic meat and fish and salad and fruit...
I have never tried curry, any form of pasta, Mexican, noodles, baked beans, peas, seriously too many things to mention..

And I I have no interest in trying it.. i know this sounds naive and narrow minded, and maybe it is, but eating isnt a big thing for me...
It's a necessity that has to be done, I get by on what I eat. Caveman diet...
I only drink water too...
No alcohol, or pharmaceutical meds, I'm gonna let this body run it's natural course now..
What will be will be...
I think ill do ok...

Maybe this is why iv spent so much of my life taking drugs to excess...

I don't get much pleasure from body stuff, much more from mind stuff....

 

[GreenHopper]

Hey man each to their own, not sure knowing what you don't like and avoiding is naivety, seems more like you are just making a choice that suits your needs.

Interesting POV though, I don't like straws. Yep you heard me, I avoid them mostly and will only use them when I have to.

One of the great things about humans is we are all so wonderfully weird in our own unique way.

I went on a date with a girl once who was petrified of buttons. I was warned about this by her friends and stupidly thought it was more a case of dislike rather then terror. Let's just say the date ended abruptly when I presented her with a box of chocolate buttons.

It wasn't as funny as my idiot brain had imagined.

People are strange, all of them and all of us

 

[Kellya86]

Yep we all have our strange traits, thats for sure...

My next issuer that convinced me that this is not my body, is that when I think in my head, It's not my voice...
Or more likely, when I speak, it's not my voice...
Does anyone else experience this.???

 

[Drexciya]

Stop messing with my head ;) Now I am all over the place thinking in weird voices.

And I started thinking if it is not your body then whos is it? Have you tried taking it to the lost and found, that would make for some serious confused faces.

All kidding aside have you tried talking to someone with some background on this topic? I find it quite interesting and at the same time I feel for you because it must be a serious pain in the ass. Sometimes I am aware of my own breathing or swallowing, but 99.9% I am not aware of any body functions except for when I need to go to the toilet. What I do know is that you are not alone in this, the world is big and full of people with all kinds of interesting stuff.

 

[Kellya86]

If leaned to just accept it and deal with it...

I feel like this is just a stepping stone, and won't last forever thats for sure...

I feel like my mind will exist after some how...

Another thing this has done, it has made me not care about physical damage to my body, such as injuries... i hurt myself alot... But it doesnt really hurt...
And it's ok cause it just like having a rental car...

 

[Drexciya]

Yeah well, except it really isn't a rental car. It's your one and only body and without it that beautifully twisted mind isn't going any places. But hey, you know this I'm sure. I'm sorry to bring it this bold but It's just that it kind of worries me reading that you hurt yourself.

edit:
felt the need to express this as well: I think it's brave of you to share this with us and be open about it.

 

[Prolusio]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings @Kellya86! It's not a perspective I've ever experienced so I find it extremely interesting. I hope however the relationship between you and your body progresses you are able to find the comfort you deserve in life. Please know anytime you feel an urge for pain you can always turn to the asylum and people like us for catharsis instead.

Since you shared so openly I will as well.

Firstly I don't believe in any religion so this life is definitely not a transient state for me. To me my "vessel" is neither my mind nor body; it's the earth.

For me, my mind and body are 2 halves of the coin that is my "self". The state of my body, how I view and choose to treat it, how it responds and is able to handle the tasks I require of it; all of these things directly affect my mental health. And in turn my mental health affects how my body is able to perform. They both rely on each other so heavily, for myself at least, there is little use in trying to separate them completely. My mental and physical states are so directly intertwined that I feel a significant loss of my capacity in either would fundamentally change who I am, in some way at least.

And that's ok, I'm always changing. I feel stepping stones are a very important part of personal growth.

Some of the events that bring me the greatest emotional satisfaction or pride in my life were primarily physical things I've been able to do. Places I've been able to go, things I've built or accomplished, people I've spoken to and met.. None of this would have been possible for me without my body; and without my mental state I would have experienced or performed them differently. Possibly changing how they affected my life entirely.

For me, there is no complete separation between my mind and body. To wax poetic for a moment.. My mind is the moon, my body the pond; I am the reflection that exists between and because of them both

 

[Kellya86]

it kind of worries me reading that you hurt yourself.

Dont worry I'm no self harmer...
But iv learned through my various jobs and experiences in life, that I can't really hurt myself...
Not really, if had some pretty bad injuries in my time, but never been to hospital..
Apart from one time I crashed a bike and stopped breathing, I woke up in an ambulance, got to hospital, then checked myself out without being seen. I had a cracked sternum from my guess..
Iv cut myself to the bone a few times and stitched it up myself very well... almost invisible on some..
Countless bike crashes... (If you dont crash, your not trying hard enough)

But the point is that I have never really felt pain as others describe it..
It's an annoyance or a throbbing but never unbearable yet...
I'm just generally numb... this again adds to the feeling that this isn't my body..

@Prolusio I have found comfort in life, in acceptance of what it is...
I keep all my issues to myself, poeple would think I'm mad otherwise...
I function well as a human, I provide a good life for my family through working hard...
And I have cannabis and motorbikes to entertain me...
I'm not depressed or sad, my main motto is 'what will be, will be....

I find many ways to appreciate this life, I take pleasure in many small wonders, and truly appreciate this earth we live on...

I'm not wasting my time here waiting for the end, I'm getting on with it, it is what it is...
And I will appreciate it as I know it may be all I get...

I just wish I wasn't tied to rotting sack of meat for the duration...

 

[Drexciya]

I'm glad I totally got it wrong with the selfharming. Thank you for sharing your views. I don't think you're mad, if that means anything. Everybody is wired differently, you just happened to be wired like you are.

 

[Prolusio]

@Prolusio I have found comfort in life, in acceptance of what it is...
I keep all my issues to myself, poeple would think I'm mad otherwise...
I function well as a human, I provide a good life for my family through working hard...
And I have cannabis and motorbikes to entertain me...
I'm not depressed or sad, my main motto is 'what will be, will be....

I find many ways to appreciate this life, I take pleasure in many small wonders, and truly appreciate this earth we live on...

I'm not wasting my time here waiting for the end, I'm getting on with it, it is what it is...
And I will appreciate it as I know it may be all I get...

I just wish I wasn't tied to rotting sack of meat for the duration...

I hear ya man. I didn't mean to insinuate otherwise; hopefully what I said didn't come across that way! I just felt one good share of opinion deserved another in return . I'm happy to hear that your displeasure with your inadequate vessel isn't stopping your enjoyment of life. Hopefully technology will advance to the point we can get you shiny robot body to call home soon! Or do you think you'd go for more of a singularity type thing where your mind is uploaded to the network?

Although then maybe you'd just be so displeased with having to do routine maintenance on your robot form you'd wish you were organic agian; and the entire cycle would continue in reverse...

 

[GreenHopper]

We could try scattering your consciousness across the multiverse, how's an infinite perspective sound?

 

[Kellya86]

@Prolusio it's all good I'm enjoying the opinions...
I don't like the idea of a robot body...
@ataxian springs to mind....

We could try scattering your consciousness across the multiverse, how's an infinite perspective sound?

That's sound really good to me..
I image my self as a floating/flying mind, with the ability to be anywhere I choose at any time, and not contrained by the laws of the universe.
When we dream is this not what we are???
Do you ever see your body in your dreams???

To be honest I was sure this was a common feeling for many...
I'm sure I'm not alone in this.....

 

[Enchantre]

When I was a toddler, I suffered a traumatic injury to the back of my head (127 stitches worth) when I was tipped over in my highchair onto the front edge of a brick fireplace hearth.

I remember this event very, very clearly. Why? because I was knocked OUT of my body, and WOKE UP. from that moment, I've had a didactic memory, and a second personality. And Asperger's.

I'm now learning how to actually BE in my body, to listen to it, to care about and for it, and to ENJOY it.
This is what we are here for, to EXPERIENCE things.

Pick your experiences! Whether it is "good" or "bad" it is still an experience! Learn to love the ones you are having, then make those good feeling choices for the next one, the next, and so on.

I'm also somewhat of a lousy Buddhist, so maybe this particular incarnation is just a karma thing, and once you are past it, you will get a different form. I AM an Animist, so maybe you would prefer being a tree, or a rock, or the sea next time?

 

[GreenHopper]

Never done it myself but everything you are saying make me think of the DMT documentary on Netflix.

Obviously I can't link to a netflix DMT doccy so I here is a YTube one:

DMT : Experiencing the impossible


Also:

Pick your experiences! Whether it is "good" or "bad" it is still an experience! Learn to love the ones you are having, then make those good feeling choices for the next one, the next, and so on.

^^^ This is spot on.