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Lunacy I Flush My Toilet With A Beer Bottle - The Occasional Germophobe Thread

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And whatever you do, do not Google what you breath in and inadvertently eat in a year just going through daily life. haha
 
Ahhhhhhh.

There is nothing like shitting on a freshly cleaned toilet.

It's so ... clean. Smells all nice.

And if you think I'm the one who sullied it or defiled it ... no.

It was lady friend.

I can sit on that thing for hours and it looks brand new.

You women sit on it for like two minutes and .... uh .... gah.

And then you complain about how long we're taking in the bathroom while you're taking showers that last for two fucking hours!

This is how you know true love. When you're willing to scrub the toilet free of shit stains caused by your partner.

I'm sure there are some people who are into that sort of thing. I am not.

:newspaper:
 
EveryDayAmnesiac said:
Ahhhhhhh.

There is nothing like shitting on a freshly cleaned toilet.

It's so ... clean. Smells all nice.

And if you think I'm the one who sullied it or defiled it ... no.

It was lady friend.

I can sit on that thing for hours and it looks brand new.

You women sit on it for like two minutes and .... uh .... gah.

And then you complain about how long we're taking in the bathroom while you're taking showers that last for two fucking hours!

This is how you know true love. When you're willing to scrub the toilet free of shit stains caused by your partner.

I'm sure there are some people who are into that sort of thing. I am not.

:newspaper:
Click to expand...

Somehow my coffee doesn't taste the same....
 
I have got to get me one of these fancy space toilets and bidets.

They seem like an answer to my prayers that make what used to be a chore and turn it into a whole lot of fresh moist fun. Really seems to do a great job at removing fecal remnants from the anus. Oftentimes I notice my butt feeling arid, parched, pretty much chapped beyond recognition.

So a tip of the hat to whoever invented the bidet.





And yes, I'm really fucking high right now and still a bit drunk from last night.

So I was talking to a friend of mine, and he's gay. I only mention that because it plays a part in the story.

So he was at work the other day and both of the bathrooms were taken and there were two guys ahead of him so he got in line.

The two guys ahead of him were clearly straight "dude bro guys."

One of them turns to him and proclaims, "Fuck yeah. My bro is in there JUST PUNISHING that toilet. Dude we heard him and he's taking a monster shit!"

The two of them then high-fived and started laughing about it in a celebratory way.

He then starts talking about how that is only a straight guy thing and how gay men don't talk about that.

I don't know if that's actually true or if he was just fucking with me. But I thought about it a while and could not remember a time when a gay man ever talked about his shitting habits - I could only think of the straight guys talking about it.

What time, how often, the size of it - for fuck's sake some of them even take pictures of it! Gah.

So back when I was in jail - and when you're in jail you have nothing to do and all day to do it - one of the guys decided to go on a mission to clog the toilet that was out in the pod for general use.

He held it in for three days, and we were all sharing our vegetables with him to make sure he had plenty of ruffage and fiber.

Finally he couldn't take it anymore and he goes in there and clogs the fuck out of it.

The turd was literally sticking up over the top of the bowl and we all took our turns looking at it and congratulating him.

So when one of the guards sees it, he flips out. He went outside and found a stick and he made the guy mash it up in order to get the toilet to flush. We were laughing about it for days.

I don't get it. But I'm as guilty of this as the next guy.


 
Never too early!

Speaking of, I got Sierra so good last night.

She had some friends over and the girls are all doing vodka shots and the boys are drinking beer so everybody was feeling a bit loose and giggly.

She's been embarassing me constantly because she thinks it's fun and she knows how much it annoys me. I decide to get her back.

So in front of everyone I get down on my knee and take her hand and tell her there's something important I need to tell her.

Everybody got really quiet and I think they thought I was going to propose to her.

So I tell her how important it is, and that it's going to affect our relationship forever, and that it's something that's been weighing on my conscience and how once we get through it our relationship will be stronger than ever.

Everyone at this point is listening and the girls are covering their mouths and the boys are silent and they're all looking at us.

"Sierra ... I need to tell you about my butt wiping technique after I'm done pooping."

I'm holding her hand tight so she can't away.

I then launch into an extremely detailed description of the way I go about it. I did not hold anythinig back. It went on for a few minutes. I really got into it. Everyone was laughing because I think it's just one of those topics we're all ashamed of so it feels good to talk about it and laugh about it.

She was not amused at the time. "I hate you so much right now!"

So she gets away and goes outside fuming mad. And the last thing she hears is me yelling, "Wait! I haven't even got to the baby wipes part yet!"

After everybody went home, she turns to me and says, "In the future, I would prefer you NOT talk about your turds in front of my friends or me! That was so disgusting!"

Once she calmed down she started having a laugh attack about it and how I had fooled her and the absurdity of it. We are now referring to it as "Turd Talk."
 
EveryDayAmnesiac said:
Never too early!

Speaking of, I got Sierra so good last night.

She had some friends over and the girls are all doing vodka shots and the boys are drinking beer so everybody was feeling a bit loose and giggly.

She's been embarassing me constantly because she thinks it's fun and she knows how much it annoys me. I decide to get her back.

So in front of everyone I get down on my knee and take her hand and tell her there's something important I need to tell her.

Everybody got really quiet and I think they thought I was going to propose to her.

So I tell her how important it is, and that it's going to affect our relationship forever, and that it's something that's been weighing on my conscience and how once we get through it our relationship will be stronger than ever.

Everyone at this point is listening and the girls are covering their mouths and the boys are silent and they're all looking at us.

"Sierra ... I need to tell you about my butt wiping technique after I'm done pooping."

I'm holding her hand tight so she can't away.

I then launch into an extremely detailed description of the way I go about it. I did not hold anythinig back. It went on for a few minutes. I really got into it. Everyone was laughing because I think it's just one of those topics we're all ashamed of so it feels good to talk about it and laugh about it.

She was not amused at the time. "I hate you so much right now!"

So she gets away and goes outside fuming mad. And the last thing she hears is me yelling, "Wait! I haven't even got to the baby wipes part yet!"

After everybody went home, she turns to me and says, "In the future, I would prefer you NOT talk about your turds in front of my friends or me! That was so disgusting!"

Once she calmed down she started having a laugh attack about it and how I had fooled her and the absurdity of it. We are now referring to it as "Turd Talk."
Click to expand...



A fake proposal
Men have died for far less.....
Watch your ass (pun intended)
 
Yeah, it was not my finest hour lol.

Eventually she suggested that maybe I just don't know how to wipe properly and that maybe I need some lessons lol.
 
O'Brien and Schlansky at it againi.

When I think of great comedy teams, I think Abbott and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Stooges, Martin and Lewis, Farley and Spade ...

And O'Brien and Schlansky. They are such polar opposites.








Conan is a bit of a hero of mine. Back when he first took over for David Letterman, I wanted nothing more to be a comedian of some type - more sketch comedy like Dana Carvey - but I also loved Letterman and Carson and then Arsenio Hall was just starting to get big and his show catered to a much younger audience like Letterman did.

And then there is Conan, a nobody, suddenly hosting his own late night show on NBC.

In reality, he was not a nobody. Harvard graduate - although he loves to tell people some of the dumbest people he's ever met graduated from Harvard.

SNL writer, The Simpsons writer, Groundlings, and he did a pilot with Adam West. But I was a kid so I didn't know any of that.

And he hired some of the best, brightest, edgiest writers available at the time to make his show new and fresh and different - like Bob Odenkirk and Robert Smigel.

The first episode easily searchable on YouTube and is something else.

The way NBC fucked him over made me decide to never watch an NBC show again ... except for Seinfeld. Because ... it's Seinfeld. :biggrin:


EDA Trivia - my cat, Conan, is NOT named after O'Brien, although they both have the same color hair. My cat is named after Conan The Barbarian. :thumbsup:
 
EveryDayAmnesiac said:
O'Brien and Schlansky at it againi.

When I think of great comedy teams, I think Abbott and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Stooges, Martin and Lewis, Farley and Spade ...

And O'Brien and Schlansky. They are such polar opposites.








Conan is a bit of a hero of mine. Back when he first took over for David Letterman, I wanted nothing more to be a comedian of some type - more sketch comedy like Dana Carvey - but I also loved Letterman and Carson and then Arsenio Hall was just starting to get big and his show catered to a much younger audience like Letterman did.

And then there is Conan, a nobody, suddenly hosting his own late night show on NBC.

In reality, he was not a nobody. Harvard graduate - although he loves to tell people some of the dumbest people he's ever met graduated from Harvard.

SNL writer, The Simpsons writer, Groundlings, and he did a pilot with Adam West. But I was a kid so I didn't know any of that.

And he hired some of the best, brightest, edgiest writers available at the time to make his show new and fresh and different - like Bob Odenkirk and Robert Smigel.

The first episode easily searchable on YouTube and is something else.

The way NBC fucked him over made me decide to never watch an NBC show again ... except for Seinfeld. Because ... it's Seinfeld. :biggrin:


EDA Trivia - my cat, Conan, is NOT named after O'Brien, although they both have the same color hair. My cat is named after Conan The Barbarian. :thumbsup:
Click to expand...


Conan and Whitney Cummings never seemed to find a comfortable home acting
Both are brilliant writers
Imagine them heading up a comedy troupe
 
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