Lunacy I Haven't Been On A Proper Date In 11 Years And Could Use Some Advice

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

I think the title pretty much says it all. But there are details.

So, pasty white Scandinavian descent heterosexual male. Seeking Heterosexual female who is not a corpse.. The Bi thing might be okay but I'd rather not face any more competition.

A bit of backstory.

The last proper date I was on, was with my ex-wife. She divorced me while I was incarcerated. Yeah. I was in prison scrubs with the Wildman beard and Unabomber hair. Yet ... we continued dating. And having ridiculous amounts of sex. The really dirty kind. The kind that stinks. Sinks into the floors. A lot of cocaine was involved. A lot.

It was ... yeah.

We went bowling. I got a Turkey. Why do I remember that? Fuck you. I was drinking a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale at the time, if you must know. Seriously, fuck you.

I managed to be fortunate enough to meet a nice girl who liked me despite of all that, and being the troubadour that I am, I managed to fuck that shit up right quick.

So do I do the world a favor and just give up? Or is there a Harley Quinn out there waiting for me?

 

[momofthegoons]

There's someone out there for everyone. You just need the right pick up line....

Then again....

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

This is what I looked / look like.




Ladies, are you trying to tell me you don't want to get on this? What the hell is wrong with you?



I also have the same amount of schooling and education. But not really. But kinda. But no. But yes.

Form an orderly queue, ladies.

 

[arb]

You last went on a date when you were 9?

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

Uh, no, I was 29. Or 30. Or some shit.

Anyway, here's a bonus just for you.

Because this is what I look like.




Ron Burgundy says NO!!!

 

[Tincandtoke]

I smell a merger
Vapor Asylum and Match.com
Get high and find a "rod" or"hole" and commence having fun
Ohhh to be a condom executive right now.....

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

EDA at a typical 1 am.




Seriously, people. How do you NOT want to get on all this?

I am open. And ready for business. Not is a desperate way, but more like in a totally desperate way.

I'll even shave the beard. Although it does showcase a certain existential grandness to my saddest boy in the whole wide world routine. But whatever.

National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1? Best movie you've never seen.

Yes, I'm talking about YOU!

 

[arb]

EDA at a typical 1 am.




Seriously, people. How do you NOT want to get on all this?

I am open. And ready for business. Not is a desperate way, but more like in a totally desperate way.

I'll even shave the beard. Although it does showcase a certain existential grandness to my saddest boy in the whole wide world routine. But whatever.

National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1? Best movie you've never seen.

Yes, I'm talking about YOU!

Have you tried accumulating wealth?
I find that does a really good job when it comes to enticing women.........especially if you're A bit shall we say lacking in certain social and political graces?

 

[Baron23]

Uh...IME, showers are important! haha

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

You know, I do a similar routine but it always ends up a bit different:





Wow. Watching this scene today .... it's really fucked-up. I can't believe I used to joke about this. Makes my shoulders sweat. Stanley, dude .... what the hell?

But yeah. Why don't women like me?

 

[Hippie]

You gotta dress to impress, maybe some new jeans?

 

[Tincandtoke]

EDA at a typical 1 am.




Seriously, people. How do you NOT want to get on all this?

I am open. And ready for business. Not is a desperate way, but more like in a totally desperate way.

I'll even shave the beard. Although it does showcase a certain existential grandness to my saddest boy in the whole wide world routine. But whatever.

National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1? Best movie you've never seen.

Yes, I'm talking about YOU!

With these kinds of lines floating out there I think we are all doomed
Hear you can fish for sex dolls off the coast of Japan though!!!

Emergency crew rescues sex doll after mistaking it for drowning woman

Thar she blows: A team of rescue divers was flummoxed after responding to the scene of a nude “drowning woman” — only to discover that it was actually a floating life-sized sex doll off…

nypost.com

Dating in the 21st century......don't!

 

[Squiby]

Date....date?? Isnt that a super sweet shriveled up fruit?

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

You gotta dress to impress, maybe some new jeans?

Way ahead of you.

https://nypost.com/2021/06/22/sex-doll-rescued-after-its-mistaken-for-drowning-woman/

Oh, dude. Japanese folks have it made. Like the dolls you can completely unscrew and soak and sanitize and put right back together without any knowledge of ... anything. You know, for fancy masturbation.

But sometimes I need a more personal touch. So one of these days, I plan on getting me one of them Japanese massages. Although, during pandemics, maybe there are no happy endings?

 

[CarolKing]

I haven’t gone on a date in some years. This is more like if looking for a relashionship.
Cleanliness #1
(the rest are at random)
Self confidence but not an asshole
Someone that cooks
No smoking cigs
Knows current events
Can carry on a conversation
Doesnt live with parents
Doesn't have to take care of mom or dad
Can support him or herself
Doesnt always have to be right
No holding grudges
Dont blame others for your misfortune
Likes to please your partner in the bedroom
Has interesting hobbies
LIke’s cannabis but not too much
Isnt wanted by the police

All couples have disagreements. That's perfectly normal and healthy. But it's how you handle those disagreements that can really make or break things. Does your partner walk away? Shut down? Place all the blame on you? Throw a tantrum? These are all red flags.

 

[Tincandtoke]

I haven’t gone on a date in some years. This is more like if looking for a relashionship.
Cleanliness #1
(the rest are at random)
Self confidence but not an asshole
Someone that cooks
No smoking cigs
Knows current events
Can carry on a conversation
Doesnt live with parents
Doesn't have to take care of mom or dad
Can support him or herself
Doesnt always have to be right
No holding grudges
Dont blame others for your misfortune
Likes to please your partner in the bedroom
Has interesting hobbies
LIke’s cannabis but not too much
Isnt wanted by the police

All couples have disagreements. That's perfectly normal and healthy. But it's how you handle those disagreements that can really make or break things. Does your partner walk away? Shut down? Place all the blame on you? Throw a tantrum? These are all red flags.

Who's not wanted by the police nowadays!!

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

Who's not wanted by the police nowadays!!

I know, right? I've got warrants all over the country for shit I can't even remember doing.

That's The Man for you. Always trying to keep me down.

Just because I like to carry around an open gin and tonic and take my pants off at SeaWorld and flirt/swim with the dolphins.

Fucking bullshit. People just aren't ready for how real I keep it.

It worked in The Shape of Water?

 

[I'm Ron Burgundy?]

I’ll bang
Where are the cute cannabis coochies?

 

[arb]

Some people are just gonna die alone.

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

I’ll bang
Where are the cute cannabis coochies?

Whoa. That sort of strong language is not going to fly with me.

You keep talking like that and I will take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner and then never call her again!





I can't decide what character in that movie I like the most.

Why don't women find Anchorman funny? Maybe that's where I need to start.