Sigh- where the fuck do I start?
I am one hairy mofo. Considering that Im bit of a recluse, Im also pretty lazy when it comes to personal grooming.
Until yesterday, I sorta looked like this (but way sexier)
but Mrs dorkus was not a fan.
So this morning, I thought I would take to myself with a pair of clippers and surprise her.
I put on number 4 and went to work on my noggin. Well like a fuckwit I started at the middle front, one big fucken strip right down the centre like a reverse mohawk.
Jeez its fucking short, its at this point I feel a number 7 or 8 might have been the best for my luscious locks. But I push on, my tresses are being removed by the handful. Sure it looks like Ive just done 3-5 for armed robbery, but it looks ok.
Im pretty much done & feeling good about it all, when out of the corner of my eye I notice in the mirror that my back hair has taken up new real estate on my shoulders & neck. Well fuck me, it seems the shoulder/ back hair is having some sort of territorial dispute with the back of my head and my neck is some sort of fucking forestlike battle ground with back hair and head hair duking it out for supremacy on my neck.
This is when I had the great idea to clip the back of my neck as well. So, I grabbed a no.2 guide & I did. I threw my head down and attempted to clip the back of my neck whilst guiding the offending curly ones into the sink. Keep going I said, taper the bottom bit of yr noggin hair like a pro, I said.
Its about now I realise that I must be baked offa my ass cause my neck stopped about 4 inches ago & my head hair is def 'tapering' because the no.2 guide is actually a no.1.
For the life of me, I couldnt see what the fuck I had done to myself and nearly did myself an injury trying to see.
Then, I think if I smooth it all of with a no.3 I will be all good.
So, I did.
We have no food in the house, when Mrs dorkus gets up outta bed and sees my handiwork, she announces that I am an utter dickhead and there is no way she is being seen with me in public.
ie at the shops.
I ask her to take a pic so I could see my shame.
As she is doing so, I suggested I could wear a hoodie & we should go soon.
She says she has to shower first, I said we would only be 10 mins and surely it could wait.
She very quietly says, ' I need to shower, I have my monthlies'
Like an idiot, I said ' but why cant you do it when we get home'
she very, very quietly says, ' I cant, I have 'paddy' breath
*sigh* To which I reply, ' what? yr vag smells like Guinness & cigarettes? '
Now I have a large welt on my head where she has smashed me with the tablet, ' for being a fuckwit' I think the charge was.
and I have to walk around like this.............
Mrs Dorkus wont help fix it and I wont let her cause she thinks I hate the Irish or summfink.
This is my noggin on drugs
Just say no to drugs and personal grooming.
Lolz look close above the collar on my right shoulder, you can see remnants of the offending shoulder foliage that I missed. I may have to slash and burn next time.
) with the food you ordered sitting on the bar
You look like one of those pics of kids that have gotten the scissors and cut their own hair....
