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Lunacy Jokes

Anyone who has ever been on a bus with a classroom full of elementary or middle school kids on a field trip will be able to relate to this story...

Meet Simon Smith, a father who volunteered to help out on his daughter’s school trip

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Continued....
 
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
 
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250..00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, so she insisted on speaking to the manager. The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she said. ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the manager replied. No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But madam, this check is for only $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged You $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaims the very surprised manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
 
The Skateboard

Three men die and go to Heaven

They meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, who greets them and says "So Heaven is a vastly large place for everyone to spend the rest of eternity, and God has decided to grant vehicles to everyone upon admission, and he asks only one question, the answer to which determines what vehicle you are granted."

So St Peter goes up to the first guy and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The first guy responds "I've been married 20 years and cheated on my wife 4 times." A rusted Geo Metro appears suddenly, St Peter gives the guy a nod, so the man gets in and scoots on through the gates.

St Peter goes up to the 2nd man and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The 2nd man says "I've been married 40 years, and only cheated on my wife one time, but I admitted it to her and she forgave me" A Chrysler minivan suddenly appears, and the 2nd man gets in and drives through the gates.

St Peter approaches the 3rd man and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The 3rd man lifts his head up high and boasts "I've been married 60 years and never even looked at another woman!" A mint condition Ferrari 458 appears, the 3rd man happily jumps in and speeds through the gates.


Later the first two men see the third man sitting on the ground next to his Ferrari, weeping with his head in his hands. They ask him "what's wrong?" The third man looks up and says "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
 
A 3rd grader gets sent home frome school. His dad asks him why. The kid goes on to explain. I was in math class and the teacher asked me how much is 2 plus 3, I said 5. The dad askes then why were you sent home? The kid says then the teacher asked him how much is 3 plus 2. The dad says what the F*%& the difference?

The kid replys,"that's what I said".
 

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